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My first experience with Sea-Monkeys was in the first grade, when I received a deluxe Sea-Monkey kit for Christmas. How could one resist “becoming the owner of the most fantastic pets to ever live and breathe”?! In fact, you are guaranteed (Sea-Monkeys come with no shortage of ‘guarantees’) to “have more fun with them than any aquatic creature you’ve ever owned…Unlike make-believe toys, pet Sea-Monkeys are really alive and are always ready and eager to put on a show!” And how! Like legions of other boys, I first discovered Sea-Monkeys advertised on the back of comic books, or in the Johnson-Smith Company catalog – a company specializing in novelty and gag gifts like fake poop and snapping gum. So they certainly served a scientific purpose). (Speaking of science…fun fact: NASA once flew Sea-Monkeys to outer space to test gravity’s effect on animals born in a gravity-free environment? The result? They grew bigger…and faster. The cherry on top is the fact that “anyone can get perfect results without any knowledge of chemistry or biology” which was perfect for a scientifically-challenged youth like myself. They exist in suspended animation inside their tiny eggs” until water is added, making them “real life time travelers asleep in biological time capsules for their strange journey into the future!” Despite their name, they don’t resemble a monkey at all, but rather like a cross between a mermaid and a fetus.Īccording to their packaging, “Sea-Monkeys are a true miracle of nature. Invented (or, more accurately “marketed”) in 1957 by Harold von Brauhut (one year before Milton Levine put ant farms on the map), Sea-Monkeys roughly resemble enlarged sperm, growing to about 1-2 inches in length and certainly looking nothing like the way they are portrayed on their packaging – long-limbed, mythical creatures with a long, dragon-like tail and three horns coming out of their head. I would begin with this sensible piece of advice: “don’t start out the school year sporting a Sea-Monkey necklace.” For those (unfortunate) few who are in the dark about Sea-Monkeys, they are a hybrid form of slickly-packaged brine shrimp that hatch instantly after adding water and are most commonly found in the science section at Toys ‘R Us, next to Magic Rocks and Ant Farms (two other early childhood hobbies that did nothing to boost my popularity). I often fancy myself building a time machine, so I could tell my childhood self a thing or two. So you compensate by shunning your own people, while simultaneously feeling yourself gravitating toward them as the only possible source of friendship. When you’re a nerd trying to climb the social ladder, surrounding yourself with other nerds doesn’t exactly help your cause.
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It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when even other nerds pick on you. When you are small for your age and picked last in gym class (even picked after sloths and paraplegics), there really isn’t much hope. Back then, however, pride wasn’t even in my vocabulary. I was a nerd and a dork (labels I now look back at with pride). My elementary school social standing left much to be desired, to say the least. However, I certainly didn’t help my cause. Looking back, there are no shortage of reasons why I was bullied.